Jeff Faulkner

Improving Communication: Solve the Problem
January 3, 2008

Once the two conflicting parties have achieved a foundational level of understanding each other and the root of the problem, they can move on to resolving the conflict. Please, don’t try to resolve without first diagnosing. Diagnosing means that I understand you and your viewpoint, you understand me and my viewpoint, and the two differing viewpoints make sense to both of us because we’ve been able to understand one another. In other words, when I’ve gotten to the point that I can honestly say, “Your viewpoint makes sense to me because if I were in your shoes I’d see it the same way,” then we have understanding and are ready to move on to conflict resolution. Not until then.

Often times the conflict is resolved simply by achieving this level of understanding. But in the event you still need to move on to resolve the conflict, here’s how – brainstorm! You are both intelligent people and now that you understand that the problem is not each other, but a dynamic between you, you can then work together to attack the problem and come up with multiple potential solutions that could be mutually acceptable. 

I find that most people naturally stink at brainstorming. We have been conditioned in our culture to be critical and to naturally shoot down ideas before they have time to germinate. So, this too, is a skill that takes some time to learn. While I’m on this point of skill, let me say that I took golf lessons one time and the first thing my instructor did was work on my grip. He said I had to get the basics down before I could move on. “Ok,” I thought, “this should be easy.” Then, my instructor twisted my hands into the most uncomfortable position imaginable. “This is hard and uncomfortable,” I complained. He said, “Yeah, imagine that. Golf is a skill like anything else. And it takes work.”

Effective communication and conflict resolution is a skill that takes an enormous amount of hard work. If you have difficulty applying the skills I’ve outlined – slowing it down, listening for understanding, speaking carefully about your perspective, eliminating blame, brainstorming and providing the structure necessary to get through the conflict – then seek professional help to guide you through it. 

Here’s how to brainstorm:

1. Give yourselves plenty of time to list any and every idea you can imagine without filtering them out. The crazier the idea, the better, as crazy ideas stimulate your creativity.
2. Once you have exhausted all potential solutions then review them one at a time with both parties discussing using the speaker/listener skills I’ve outlined.
3. Eliminate ideas that don’t make sense for either of you.
4. Select from the remaining choices the idea that holds the most merit and try it.
5. Give it a trial period then come back and talk about how it’s working. If it’s not working, don’t get frustrated with one another, come back to the drawing board and try another idea. 

Posted by Jeff Faulkner on January 3, 2008 | Comments (0)