Jeff Faulkner

Communication Red Flags - Misinterpreting
July 18, 2008

In my last two posts, Communication Red Flags – Avoidance of Conflict and Communication Red Flags – Taking the Gloves Off, I discussed two communication indicators that are destructive to healthy relationships: “conflict avoidance” and “taking the gloves off.” Both of these indicators can break down relationships key to business dynamics and business success.

Another red flag is misinterpretation. Now this one is easy to get into. We all interpret what other people are saying to us through our own prism of past experiences. We need to understand that what makes perfect sense to me makes little to no sense to the other person engaged in conflict.

Identify the Indicators of Misinterpretation
When the other person in the fight is turning what you say into something negative or something you didn’t mean at all (or vice versa), then misinterpretation is occurring. When you perceive that the other person is in a certain mood, when they say they aren’t, you’re likely misinterpreting. Misinterpretation will be fostered by your own mood. If you’ve had a particularly good day, you may not misinterpret others negatively, and will tend to give them the benefit of the doubt. Similarly, if you’ve had a bad day, are tired or feeling stressed, you may be prone to seeing the worst in what someone else is saying to you.

Understand the Long-Term Impact and Decide if This is What You Want
Misinterpretation can eventually lead to a relationship pattern that is characterized by “You don’t understand”…”No! You don’t understand.”

Neither party feels heard and understood; therefore, both parties are striving more vociferously to be heard and understood.

Identify the Underlying Belief
The faulty belief in misinterpretation is “You don’t understand me, because you don’t listen.” 

Replace the Faulty Belief with Truth
The way through this negative pattern is to stop focusing on how the other person isn’t listening to you effectively and focus on being a good listener and seeking first to understand. This seems counterintuitive, but it’s powerful. If one party to a conflict will take the initiative to begin seeking to understand the other, the conflict will de-escalate, and both parties will begin to listen more effectively. If you take the initiative to listen, when the other party is satisfied that you understand, you will then have your opportunity to share your viewpoint. In my experience, this is usually all it takes to resolve conflict. When empathy is practiced, in other words, when you can get to a point where you can say, “I hear what you’re saying and that makes sense to me…if I were in your shoes, I think I might feel the same way,” conflict normally subsides.

Seek Out and Learn Healthy Ways to Speak Your Mind
Oftentimes, others are misinterpreting us because we haven’t taken time to learn how to speak effectively in conflict situations. When sharing our viewpoint, we must understand that, in order for another person to hear us effectively, we can run on in a rant of words that never ends. This is the biggest hindrance to effective listening. The speaker has to make it easier for the other to hear.

Posted by Jeff Faulkner on July 18, 2008 | Comments (0)