Jeff Faulkner

Communication Red Flags - Avoidance of Conflict
July 14, 2008

Communication is the glue that holds relationships together. Communication is frequently cited as the number one problem that affects families in business. In my next several posts, I hope to give you some tools to help you identify when communication is going south and what can be done to turn it around.

The first indicator, like the check engine light in your car, that reveals that communication is not going well is avoidance of conflict. When your family is avoiding dealing with difficult issues or withdrawing from conversation completely, there is no hope for resolution.

Identify the Indicators of Conflict Avoidance
Here are some ways you can know that conflict avoidance is happening: rolling your eyes, turning your head, leaving the room. These negative patterns, if not addressed, will eventually deteriorate into greater disorder in relationships. It can lead to a pursue/withdraw pattern in the relationship where one family member runs away from conflict while another pursues them, trying to force them to talk about the issues.

Understand the Long-Term Impact and Decide if this is What You Want
Continuing down the destructive path of conflict avoidance can result in an emotional cut-off leading to a lack of any connection with each other. This happens when there is a significant fear of destructive conflict and an inability to navigate through it. I’m working now with a family in which the oldest son has not spoken to his mother in five years because she did not appoint him as Chairman of the Board upon his father’s death. The assumption in an emotional cut-off is that “If I avoid you, I will not have to experience the emotional pain in our conflict.”

Identify the Underlying Belief
In all negative patterns of communication, there is an underlying faulty belief. The faulty belief in conflict avoidance is that conflict is bad and must be avoided. This faulty belief system must be attacked head-on with the truth.

Replace the Faulty Belief with Truth
The truth is that conflict is the natural pathway to resolving issues and enhancing family and business relationships. Therefore, it must be possible and is imperative that families and business partners learn how to navigate conflict successfully.

Seek Out and Learn Healthy Conflict Management Skills
Conflict management is a skill that can be learned. Just like any other skill you wish to develop, you must seek out help and work hard at developing the skills you are taught. It doesn’t happen naturally. I remember taking golf lessons once and found that, when the instructor completely changed my grip, it was very uncomfortable and awkward. I learned that if I wanted to improve my game, I would have to get used to a new way of doing it. It’s no different with communication and handling conflict. It’s awkward to do it differently, but it’s worth the effort.

Posted by Jeff Faulkner on July 14, 2008 | Comments (0)