Jeff Faulkner

Improving Communication: Engage the Battle Fairly
January 1, 2008

In my prior post, I discussed the concept of seeking first to understand as the foundation upon which healthy communication is built. The next big revelation for most families in conflict is this – “conflict is not the enemy.” Most people think it is because they don’t know how to fight fair and they don’t know how to successfully navigate the conflict. Therefore, many families simply settle for achieving “false harmony” by avoiding conflict altogether. Peace is not the absence of conflict. Peace is the ability to navigate conflict successfully. So, what does that look like?

Effective communication is the pathway to resolution of conflict. There are two basic sides to conflict resolution – the speaker and the listener. Yep, it’s all about the people! When you’re in meltdown mode, it’s more like the attacker and defender. Conflicted relationships are like a nuclear reactor and the way to keep it from blowing is to insert a control rod that introduces structure into an unstructured and chaotic environment in order to cool things down. 

Consider this a “how-to” on inserting structure into a conflicted relationship. Structure necessarily slows things down so that the conflict can be navigated. Otherwise, the environment remains too chaotic to navigate successfully. The landmines are everywhere and they’re constantly moving and unpredictable. In Part 1, I outlined the basics of how to listen for understanding, the first element of structure. The second element has to do with speaking in such a way as to make it easier for the listener to understand you.

Here’s how:

1. Slow down. No one can be expected to understand you accurately when you unload a diatribe of words that runs on forever. You must speak in such a way that others can hear effectively. Use short and concise sentences and don’t go beyond three or four sentences before checking in with your listener to make sure they are hearing you accurately. Remember, your goal is to be understood, not to vent. Venting leaves a trail of blood and anguish.
2. Stop the blame. Speak about yourself not about your listener. Use I-statements. There are a couple of reasons for this – you, the speaker, need to own what you are responsible for. It eliminates blame and accusations. What you say about you is an undeniable truth, not an accusation.
3. Check In. Give your listener time to reflect back to you what they hear. If they don’t yet understand, try again. 
4. Give them the benefit of the doubt. Understand that the listener has a tendency to interpret what you are saying through the filter of their own experience and background. Understand that they are trying to hear you accurately, but are naturally challenged to do so. Help them out.
5. Validate. When the listener finally understands, let them know that they got it. Then offer to trade places.

Yes, this is laborious, as it forces you to slow down and insert structure and control into the equation. But, you will not be able to resolve conflict if you have not accurately assessed the root of the problem.

Posted by Jeff Faulkner on January 1, 2008 | Comments (0)