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Improving Communication: Don Your Kevlar, Boys! We’re Goin’ In!
December 31, 2007
With a background in professional therapy, I have been an observer and referee to many fights between families and couples. When I entered the family business advising arena I had no idea that I would be entering virtual family war zones. One of my partners is fond of saying, “Don’t forget your Kevlar.”
Believe it or not, it is possible to bring an end to the warring. Excellent communication is the glue of relationships and is built upon a foundation of understanding. That foundation is summed up in Stephen Covey’s 5th habit of highly successful people - “seek first to understand, then to be understood.” Follow these 4 steps to achieve this habit:
Step 1 – Shut Up
Most of us are trying so desperately to be heard and understood that we don’t shut up long enough to listen and understand. Therefore, communication is hindered by conflict that seems un-resolvable. In working with families in business who are experiencing conflict (literally they are sitting in front of me yelling at one another), I often interrupt them and ask them what they would do if I left the room, sucked out all of the oxygen with me when I left, and locked all the doors and windows from the outside. The response is usually a progression of actions that goes something like, “Well, I’d try to open the doors and windows; then I’d yell for help; then I’d start banging on the doors and windows; then I’d pick up a chair and throw it through the window; and if none of that worked, I’d scratch my way through the walls.” In this response is a natural progression of more and more extreme or aggressive behaviors in an effort to get their physical need for oxygen met.
Step 2 - Acknowledge emotional needs
Everyone has a need to be listened to, heard, and validated. With conflict, these emotional needs aren’t being met, so the conflict tends to escalate to more and more extreme or aggressive behaviors in an effort to get our emotional needs met. If you think you’re too macho to worry about your emotional needs, then go ahead and keep destroying the people in your life with conflict. The trail of destruction you leave in your wake will be your legacy. Understand what I am saying – there is nothing soft about meeting one another’s emotional needs. Having them is what makes us human. When we understand this dynamic, we can make the decision to shut up and listen, and seek first to understand.
Step 3 – Understand What It Means To Understand
You don’t understand another person until that person agrees that you understand. I hear many people use the phrase “I understand” as a segway into arguing their side of the point. No! You don’t understand until the other person tells you that you do. In other words, you don’t understand me until you have responded to me in such a way that makes me say, “Yeah, you got it. You understand.” Only then are you in a position to move forward with your side of the story.
Step 4 – Be the one to go first
Imagine communication if everyone was taking the initiative of seeking to understand the other party!
Posted by Jeff Faulkner on December 31, 2007 | Comments (0)
