Ricci M. Victorio

Dear Ricci – How do I repair a damaged relationship with my father and include him in the business?
June 25, 2008

Dear Ricci:

After working together for nearly 40 years in our family business, my 82-year old father has finally agreed to retire and turn over operational control to me. Achieving this has been a long and difficult process, and severely strained our relationship. He felt “pushed out,” ignoring his failing health and inability to keep up with our growing business demands. Ever since we signed the final purchase agreement, he has been avoiding me, refuses to take my calls or visits to his home. I miss him and I know he misses me too, as we used to speak to each other every day at the office.

What can I do to bridge this gap without forcing a negative confrontation, which is just the opposite of what I want to achieve? G.L.

Dear G.L.

You are not going to be able to force your father to communicate with you until he is ready. It is possible he may never be ready to admit you did the right thing. It is also possible he may never be able to admit that he is mortal and that it is time to spend more time with his family and let the “kids” deal with the day-to-day challenges of operating the business.

However, this does not help you find a way to express your gratitude, love and respect for him. It would certainly be a tragedy if your father were to pass away without communicating how important he has been to you and that there is more to your relationship than business.

I suggest writing your dad a love letter– something that he can read over and over again. The spoken word is powerful, however, it is easy to hear only what you want to hear, and forget or misinterpret the rest of the message. And as time passes, what remains are faded scraps of memory. The written word has greater lasting power that is far more difficult to misinterpret. By addressing his fears directly, it may help the healing process move along more quickly.

When developing Succession Plans for our clients, we often help owners and their successors develop Operating Covenants to address these same issues. The word “covenant” is used deliberately, as this document is more of a sacred or morally binding promise, rather than a legally binding document. For your situation, consider addressing these issues with clearly written statements of the following:

• Clarify your father’s new role within the business as Chairman of the Board – be careful how you define this so it is not misunderstood as an invitation to come out of retirement;
• Reconfirm the strategic vision, core values and guiding principles of the company;
• Define how you will keep him informed regarding the status of the business. He needs to feel that you are being a good financial steward so that he doesn’t have to worry;
• If he is concerned about his personal financial security, address those specific issues;
• Share your vision of the future, commitment to perpetuating his legacy, preserving quality products/services and long-standing relationships, and how you plan to build upon the foundation he so successfully constructed;
• Most importantly, express your gratitude, respect and love for his generosity and all he has sacrificed for you and your family. Let him know how big his shadow is to fill and acknowledge that no one can ever replace him!

Whatever you write, it must be stated with respect, genuinely felt and clearly stated. Do not make patronizing statements, make promises you cannot keep or that he will never believe. He may or may not respond to you immediately, but you can be sure he will treasure this letter of love, reading and re-reading it for years to come. And you will have been able to fulfill your need to express yourself to him as well.

Posted by Ricci M. Victorio on June 25, 2008 | Comments (0)