Jeff Faulkner

Fathers and Sons- Dealing with Your Control Freak Dad
May 21, 2008

Is your entrepreneur dad a control freak? I’ve worked with many a son who has described their father accurately as a control freak. Control freak is a disparaging term for a person who attempts to dictate how everything around them is done. On more than one occasion business owners who are also control freaks have called me prior to an upcoming meeting to share with me how they want the meeting to go, what they want me to say to their child, and what they want the outcome to be. I’m always amused that someone would agree to pay me a fee for my advice and guidance and then proceed to tell me what that should look like.

Business owner control freaks often see their involvement as necessary. This can be caused by arrogance and feelings of superiority, believing that others lack the ability to get the job done right, fear that things will go wrong if they don’t pay attention to the details, or they may simply feel powerful when they are in control of everything around them.

This feature of many business owners can lead to a myriad of problems within the family business. One major resulting conflict is that it leads many children of entrepreneurs to question why their father doesn’t trust them. The truth is in these situations that your dad doesn’t trust anyone. But that lack of distrust and subsequent control is almost always fueled by a deep seated anxiety. Their controlling actions say “you’re incompetent and I can’t trust you.” But it’s a cover up for their internal struggle against fear of failure or incompetence. That’s right; their controlling nature is not in an effort to harm you, but to protect them.

How do you avoid being run over by these control freaks?

1. Understand that their controlling nature is rooted in fear that things aren’t going to go the way they hope.
2. Listen effectively, because they have a huge need to be heard. Once they feel they’ve been heard accurately, they will usually move on to something else.
3. Speak slowly and remain calm. Don’t let them suck you into their drama. They cannot make you feel degraded if you understand their control as a self-protective mechanism.
4. Maintain a balance between making them feel like they are in control with decisions by giving them options and at other times communicate to them that you are not intimidated by them by placing demands on them. 

Posted by Jeff Faulkner on May 21, 2008 | Comments (1)