Jeff Faulkner

Fathers & Sons - Dealing With Your Wayward Son
May 19, 2008

Last week I met with a man I’d never met before to discuss the succession of his business. Within 5 minutes I’d struck a nerve with him when he got up and left the room, saying “I’ll be right back.” He came back a few minutes later with his 40 year old son in tow. Apparently, I’d said something he wanted his son to hear.

Shortly, I found myself refereeing an age old fight between these two. It was clear to me that this son had never lived up to his father’s expectations, and the father did not hesitate to let his son know it. This father has never recognized his power as a dad. Stu Weber in his book Tender Warrior says this, “There are two ways to recognize power. One is to see it at work. The other way is to measure what happens when it is gone. Either way, Dad is pretty potent. Present or absent. Positive or negative. The power of a father is incredible.”

This grown man still acts like a little boy because he’s been utterly defeated by his father. The negative power of his father is clearly illustrated in this young man’s life. I had to ask myself, “Why does he stay involved in this business and continue taking this kind of abuse from his father?” You know the answer - because he yearns for his dad’s acceptance and approval. But he has to live up to his dad’s expectations to get it.

The twist is this guy doesn’t just want his dad’s acceptance and approval. His father has given him a litany of hoops to jump through that would get him closer to that goal: show up to work on time, put in an honest day’s work, don’t complain about your compensation, and earn the respect of your peers. Sounds reasonable, right? But like a lot of sons of driven entrepreneurs, he wants to be accepted and approved of just the way he is, not for being the way his dad wants him to be. Because he never got this approval, he has made an agreement with himself to prove his father correct – “see, dad, you were right. I really am a waste of a human being.”

The irony further complicating this dynamic is that the father feels extreme guilt over his failure as a father and, consequently, does what most fathers in this circumstance would do. He enables his son – puts him in an undefined “daddy job”, pays him too much, bails him out when he gets in trouble, and promises the son that someday he can take over the business if he would just straighten his act up.

So, if this describes your situation, what do you do?

• Come to terms with your past. Admit your failures as a father and ask your son to forgive you.
• Begin to approach your son with openness and seek to find common ground.
• Tell him you want a deeper relationship with him because you love him.
• Treat him with the same respect you treat other employees.

Now, there is no magic wand. You’ll need help with this, and it could take years. But it’s worth the effort.

Posted by Jeff Faulkner on May 19, 2008 | Comments (0)