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Dodging the Entitlement Curse
July 26, 2007
"I love my children, but there are some things I don't like about them", my client, "Macy" confessed (fake name, of course, to protect the innocent). "And one thing I truly resent is their sense of entitlement. What is it with this generation? Where did we go wrong?"
“First of all, Macy,” I replied, “Your children’s’ generation does not have a lock on entitlement. It goes at least as far back as the very early days of oral history and tradition. Back around 967 B.C., Solomon observed that “a man may do his work with wisdom, knowledge, and skill, and then he must leave all he owns to someone who has not worked for it (and has no appreciation for the toil that went into it).This too is meaningless and a great misfortune.”
So, if this entitlement curse has plagued mankind from the beginning, how can we dodge it? The answer is actually simple: Values, Values, Values. Unfortunately, simple and easy are two different things. And, if you’re asking, you’re probably already under its spell.
If that’s the case, what can you do to prevent an entitlement rift within your family? Yes, Macy, you should have started when they were much younger; but we are where we are, so let’s begin there.
Here is one tested and proven technique.
Establish clear roles, clear responsibilities, and clear expectations.
Discuss these openly and have “fierce” conversations with the successor generation whenever they stray. If you’ve made it possible for your children to think “entitlement”, then you will need to use what we call the “up until now” and “from this point forward” approach.
Use family governance covenants to describe these roles, responsibilities, and expectations in behavioral language. That way, the communications stand a better chance of having shared meaning and shared understanding among the people involved. Since these covenants involve two or more people, write them in the first person plural. Use the present tense. Attach positive emotional value. Be specific. Be real. Here’s an example:
We consistently acknowledge our gratitude for personal and professional opportunities that come from the hard and diligent work of other people.
Because they are built on trust, developing covenants happens over a period of time. There will be several iterations and trials before you begin to see behavioral and attitudinal change. But it does come; and the sooner you start the sooner you will see it.
Posted by Dan Schneider on July 26, 2007 | Comments (0)
