Jeff Faulkner

Ground Rules for Fighting Fair
August 15, 2008

In my last several posts, I’ve been discussing indicators that communication is going down the wrong path. These red flags tend to pop up, like a check engine light on a car, when conflict arises around difficult issues in relationships. The sad fact is that most relationship splits occur over a failure to communicate effectively. My experience is that not very many people have ever been afforded the opportunity to learn the skills of effective communication. I’ll leave this series of posts with some basic ground rules for dealing with difficult issues and their application in the family business arena.

First, the parties to a conflict must agree to control the difficult issues together and refuse to allow the difficult issues to control them. A tendency for families to allow the issues to control leads to getting a little dysfunctional. This is where functional structures come in, like family business councils, covenant agreements, communication improvement programs, and operating boards of directors. These structures are functional in that they allow for overcoming these dysfunctional patterns and red flags. Structure in conflict provides a sense of safety and conflict containment. They serve as the control rod in a nuclear reactor. Often times, these structures are necessary as a replacement to the founding owner of a family business who has played the role of control rod for many years. The greater the conflict, the greater the structure needed.

Second, agree to regular meetings to deal with difficult issues. Again, in the family business environment, a family business council is an invaluable tool for dealing with these family conflict situations. The parties to the conflict need to agree that this is the only place and time to deal with these conflict issues. This allows the rest of your interactions to be safe and contained and allows you to stay focused on the business at hand.

Third, agree that anyone can bring up an issue at any time, but you must revert back to the second agreement above. Catching the other person blind-sided isn’t fair. They reserve the right to put you off until the family business council meeting or other meeting that you have designated as the safe place and time to deal with the conflict.

Fourth, agree to use a “stop action” rule. This effectively gives anyone involved in the conflict the right to apply the brakes and call a time out in the action if the discussion is not going well. You can then, after a short break, decide together to continue with more control or drop the issue for a while and try again at the next meeting.

Finally, and this is where it gets real tricky for most people . . . agree to only discuss how you feel about the issues. Remember, most conflict is emotionally driven and getting into a facts based argument will rarely allow you to navigate the conflict effectively. Don’t try to solve the issue until all parties have been heard and there is clear understanding of all viewpoints across the board.

Now, go have a good and fair fight!

Posted by Jeff Faulkner on August 15, 2008 | Comments (0)