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Communication Red Flags - “You Don’t Make Sense”
August 11, 2008
In my last series of posts, I discussed three indicators that communication is going down the wrong path: conflict avoidance, “taking the gloves off,” and misinterpretation.
Another red flag is the failure to affirm. Failure to affirm is to disregard the other person’s viewpoint and to say that the viewpoint has no validity. I was in an argument with my wife one day, and I was feeling particularly empathic when I said, “I can see how you see it that way….because you’re blind as a bat.” This response illustrates a failure to affirm and scored me no points.
Identify the Indicators of a Failure to Affirm
Have you ever had your viewpoint, opinions, or efforts put down? Have you ever felt disregarded in the midst of conflict? Has the person you are arguing with ever said “that doesn’t make sense” or “that’s illogical?” These are indicators in conflict of an inability or failure to affirm the other person’s viewpoint.
Understand the Long Term Impact and Decide if this is What You Want
This negative pattern to affirm other viewpoints as having validity, whether they are illogical or not, can lead to either conflict avoidance or escalation. When you are not hearing me in conflict nor validating the way I see things as making sense through my eyes, then I may have a tendency to raise my voice and begin yelling in order to get you to hear me and understand what I’m saying. Other people will simply withdraw in a situation in which they are not being affirmed, basically saying “I’m not going to let you hurt me anymore.”
Identify the Underlying Belief
The faulty belief in a failure to affirm is “You don’t care about me.”
Replace the Faulty Belief with Truth
The way through this negative pattern is to focus on listening for the purpose of understanding how this viewpoint could make sense to the other party. In reality, everybody’s viewpoint has validity. It may be illogical, but destructive conflict is rarely about a discrepancy in factual data. Destructive conflict is in essence emotionally driven. When you can understand that the other person’s viewpoint has validity, essentially getting to the point where you can say, “I can see how you see it that way. If I were in your shoes, I’d probably see it that way too,” then you are on your way to resolving conflict effectively.
Posted by Jeff Faulkner on August 11, 2008 | Comments (0)
