Dan Schneider

Seduced by Shadows: Self-Image, Comfort Zones, and Empty Success
September 22, 2008

Just a few weeks ago, I was with three of a client’s Very Special Key Managers – the kind of people who would have been in business for themselves had circumstances been slightly different. Their General Manager had asked that I spend time with them to help move them to that mythical “next level.”

One of them has a daughter who celebrated an 18^th birthday two days before our meeting. L. D. told me that “She looked me in the eye, held my hand, and said ‘You know, Dad, you don’t spend much time with us. I don’t really feel like I know you.’ I was crushed. I went to bed that night feeling very empty.”

That experience opened the door to a lengthy conversation about how we define success. For a long time, we have used a couple of definitions. One of my favorites is “competing and comparing with your own best self.” I like it because it takes the emphasis off external events and puts everything back within the realm of our personal control.

The key point in this discussion is that people and organizations (a collection of people) consistently perform in alignment with their currently dominant self-image, which, in a nutshell, is what we believe to be true about ourselves. It is an accumulation of attitudes, beliefs and thought patterns – real as well as imagined – that act like a performance regulator or thermostat controlling our comfort zone.

We have a self-image in every area of our lives: the roles we play as business owner, business successor, spouse, parent, child, sibling, community advocate, and so forth. That means we also have a comfort zone for every area of life.

So what does this mean for our friend L.D.? If he wants to be seen as a father who is there for the family, then he needs to do the things that support that image. For a working parent, that can be tough . . . especially if you think that parental success means you have to attend every childhood event.

The truth is that most of us can’t be there for every event. So what do you do? You redefine success. You define it in such a way that it’s possible for you to achieve it. That means your definition needs to be specific, measurable, and achievable.

To do that, make a 3-column table like the one shown below. Write down the major roles in your life, list your current definition of success in that area, and then, in column 3, write down the new definition of success in that area.

Doing this will help you avoid going to bed on an empty psyche.

Posted by Dan Schneider on September 22, 2008 | Comments (1)