Jeff Faulkner

Restoring Broken Trust
January 31, 2008

In my two previous posts on trust I addressed the basics of building trust. But what do you do when trust has been broken? 

I was recently sitting in a conference room of a family business with 4 siblings in partnership. The eldest brother, who had been in the family business for years, shot a zinger at his younger brother, accusing him of stealing. The problem wasn’t a theft issue at all; it was a problem of unmet expectations. The family had made a decision to adjust the pay of all family employees to accommodate the entrance of the younger brother into the business. The elder felt robbed. Trust between these two siblings had been eroded long before I got involved – probably when these guys were 12 years old and got into a fight on the playground. I instructed this family “team” that they would go nowhere if they didn’t work at re-establishing trust. If trust has been eroded, how do you restore it?

1. Admit There Is A Problem – I know it sounds like we’re attending an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting here, but it’s true. You can’t solve a problem of trust until you admit there is one. I often see people who have been hurt in relationships by broken trust. The reaction is typically that they withdraw from relationship to protect themselves – “I don’t want you to hurt me again, so I’ll just stay away from you.” This runs contrary to the first step to building trust which is taking risks.
2. Re-Engage the Relationship and Express Your Hurt –This is the hardest thing in the world for most people to do due to the fear of being hurt again. This requires that you swallow your pride and take a huge risk. It also requires that you learn good communication skills so that you can express yourself effectively and sincerely. 
3. Choose to Forgive – When you hang on to the hurt, it’s like swallowing poison and hoping it kills the other person. Harboring bitterness reinforces distrust. Forgiveness is your pathway to rebuilding trust. It’s a choice!
4. Re-Commit – Let the other person know how important the relationship is to you and tell them you want to rebuild trust. If they reject your offer, let them. Then kill them with genuine kindness.
5. Take Risks – This doesn’t mean turn off your brain. When restoring trust, take calculated risks. If you steal from me, I can forgive you and re-commit to the relationship, but that doesn’t mean I have to let you handle my finances again. This requires knowing how to set appropriate boundaries. Building trust and re-building trust is about taking a series of risks that turn out well.

With hard work and commitment you can restore a relationship broken by trust. Your family and business relationships will be stronger and more productive when you make an ongoing commitment to be a trustworthy person who develops long-term relationships founded upon trust.

Posted by Jeff Faulkner on January 31, 2008 | Comments (0)