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Difficult Conversations: Conflict DemystifiedJune 21, 2009 I find it utterly baffling. Granted, perhaps I’m a bit more sensitive now than ever after having just finished writing a book about difficult conversations in the workplace. Over the course of a few months, I spent day and night consumed, thinking, writing and thinking some more about the ins-and-outs of communicating effectively at work in general, and during dreaded conversations specifically. And even after all of those hours of thought, consideration and analysis, what continues to perplex me most is the way so many people tend to be paralyzed by the need to say something that needs to be said. I just don’t get it. But then, when you come across columns like today’s Career Couch in The New York Times, you can start to see why so much negativity and fear surround basic, and what should be, benign communications. The problem is that there is this core assumption that inextricably links the act of speaking up or expressing yourself to some sort of inevitable and horrible conflict and confrontation. It’s just not so. Yet every time we buy into this notion that “saying it like it is,” is cause for combat and dread, we perpetuate what I refer to as “verbal constipation," or a lack of free-flowing dialogue that stifles people and the organizations for which they work. As a result, needless barriers and obstacles are erected which serve only to hold companies back by preventing both individual and collective goals from being met. So a simple request for example, that asks a coworker to talk less about his or her personal life audibly and in the company of others, is just that… a simple request. One question. One answer. More than that, it is being overly complicated. Meanwhile, where and why these types of conversations have been turned into something so “bad,” I’ll never know. However, I do know that for as long as we continue to expect them to be bad, then bad is what we will indeed get. So instead of starting with a myriad of tactics to help us get through difficult conversations that may or may not in fact be difficult, let’s first start by removing them from a category that warrants automatic dread and defense. Posted by Donna Flagg on June 21, 2009 | Comments (12) Industries: Human Resources
June 22, 2009
In response to: Difficult Conversations: Conflict Demystified Jenny commented: I'm with you regarding, how things should be. To ask someone to tone it down, seems so "simple." But in reality, unless you're so solid in you're position, that any retribution on behalf of the talker would be minuscule- the requestor had better keep an eye, and ear,out. At least for unfavorable gossip.
June 22, 2009
In response to: Difficult Conversations: Conflict Demystified Neddy commented: Don't make waves. Keep your head down.- Time worn, and tested stratigies we live our tiny lives by. Or get crucified.
June 22, 2009
In response to: Difficult Conversations: Conflict Demystified SonyaSunny commented: Super post, Need to mark it on Digg
June 23, 2009
In response to: Difficult Conversations: Conflict Demystified Donna commented: Thanks everyone.
June 23, 2009
In response to: Difficult Conversations: Conflict Demystified Been there, done that commented: Go ahead, speak up regarding a behavior and be forever labeled, intolerant, inflexible, and having no empathy. If it's about someones idea's you'll read word like closed minded or short sighted in your next evaluation.
June 23, 2009
In response to: Difficult Conversations: Conflict Demystified Donna commented: Exactly - that's the problem. Those who think it's bad, make it bad. But there is something fundamentally flawed with an organization that can't handle hearing the truth. Let's put it in perspective.
June 23, 2009
In response to: Difficult Conversations: Conflict Demystified Tony commented: It is a shame that there is still an archaic code of silence that pervades the workplace this day and time. It seems with the more abundant "educated" populace we have in todays workplace that there would be more acceptance of learned assertiveness that comes with education. However, it doesn't matter if it is today or two-hundred years ago, there is still the human factor that exists--that age old urge to shun those who speak up in this world of societal cliques that seemingly will always win out over those who are just trying to be normal.
June 24, 2009
In response to: Difficult Conversations: Conflict Demystified Hassan commented: For instance, "to talk less about personal life" may be ok for me but may not be ok for someone else who think it a plain straight forward gossip with a positive mind. Question is: Who is right who is not, we do not have code of conduct for such type of social behaviors unless otherwise these are specifically mentioned in a company's code of conduct. But on other very obvious and straight forward conflicts like if some one is harrasing, or if some one is obviously impeding the growth of company or objective these can sure be asked straight away.
June 24, 2009
In response to: Difficult Conversations: Conflict Demystified Donna commented: All true, but why is the tendency to turn any of this automatically into a conflict or confrontation? We go in preparing for battle when it is often not necessary, and perhaps we even create one that wouldn't have existed otherwise... Food for thought.
June 24, 2009
In response to: Difficult Conversations: Conflict Demystified Hassan commented: Makes sense, may be its our preconceived ideas that prevent us or past experiences that hold us back. May be my simple comment hurt someones feeling, think before you speak!..etc type of stuff. Alright if i take it simple but then i am still not sure if the respondent will react the same way. I am just partly convinced!
June 26, 2009
In response to: Difficult Conversations: Conflict Demystified Gen commented: Donna, see what a can of confusion this topic leads to. Free speech, or at least the ability to gently offer nonthreatining criticism, in the workplace (never mind the public forum) is elusive at best. Encouraging open dialogue in the workplace, as you often do in your posts, is refreshing, but somewhat akin to world peace. Let's hope, but keep the ammunition dry.
June 26, 2009
In response to: Difficult Conversations: Conflict Demystified Donna commented: Nicely put:) Thanks!
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