Link This | Email this | Blog This | Comments (0)

Difficult Conversation #2: "What do I do if I cry in front of my boss?"

February 5, 2010
Here I am doling out all of this advice on how to survive the dreaded conversations that haunt us in the workplace, only to find myself stumped in the middle of a conversation at a party when someone asked me what she should have done during a situation when she broke into tears while being chided by her boss.  The problem is that I get stuck somewhere between what I really think someone should do when that happens and what is actually feasible within a work setting when a boss is involved.  See power, and the misuse thereof, is the biggest, most inherent obstacle at work that keeps people from functioning normally, healthily, openly and honestly.  So while my gut advice is always to want the boss to hear the truth… “You can’t speak to me that way.  It’s abusive," the reality is that he or she actually can because bosses do it all the time.  And let’s not forget, they have the power to fire people too.  That said, the question then comes back to, “What do you do?”  Employees are at the mercy of their bosses who may very well be unhealthy, unstable, incompetent, or just plain nasty.  But that should not mean that people go to work to be emotionally violated because they happen to report to someone who is either not in control of his or her own emotions or gets off on power trips at other people’s expense.

So after a small group of us tossed the scenario around for a while, we agreed that there were a few things this woman could have tried that would have protected her esteem and not put her employment in jeopardy - most likely. 

1)    Call it like you see it.  Tell your boss that you are feeling a little out of sorts and would like to revisit the conversation after you have had a chance to restore your equilibrium.  The truth is always a good place to start.
2)    Create level ground.  Raise your hand or make a “timeout” gesture and tell your boss that you very much want to have the conversation, that you appreciate the importance of the feedback, but that it will be much more effectively interpreted if the exchange is not distorted by emotions.
3)    Take some control.  Stand up.  Excuse yourself and say, “I’ll be right back.”  Just be prepared, because you might get yelled at for that too when you return.
4)    Ask a question.  Acknowledge that you can see your boss is angry and that you understand, but then ask him or her if he or she thinks the conversation might not go better under sound, lucid and less volatile circumstances.  Wait for an answer.
5)    Balance the emotions.  Make him or her as uncomfortable as he or she is making you.  Go ahead and cry and ask if he or she could wait a moment or two until you're finished so that you’ll be able to hear what he or she is actually saying.  Anyone who is able to continue a  verbal attack in that situation is way worse off than the person needing to shed a tear.  That person has to live with him or herself, you don't.  Uh huh, thank your lucky stars!

Posted by Donna Flagg on February 5, 2010 | Comments (0)