Financial Problems with Siblings

Suzanna De Baca -- Expert Business Source, 9/11/2008 9:33:00 AM

“My sister is sucking me dry financially!” moaned one of my clients earlier today.  The client, a successful executive in her fifties who we’ll call Marilyn, was referring to her older sister who relies regularly on her to make ends meet.  When I asked her if she could just say no to her sister’s requests for large sums of money, she responded with discomfort, saying: “It’s complicated.”

Are you in a complicated financial relationship with a family member or relative?  Do you find it difficult to say no to repeated requests for money even when the other party has not held up their end of the bargain or made reasonable efforts to improve their finances?  In Marilyn’s case, her parents had found their older daughter’s inability to support herself frustrating and had always thrown up their hands and given her money.  And a house.  And private school tuition funds for her children. And paid for her divorce and cars and vacations. And on and on.  Basically, they’d let their daughter, a woman with some emotional issues, remain a child on a financial level rather than dealing with the agonizing process of letting her find her own way.  She yelled and she got what she wanted.

When their parents died, Marilyn inherited the role of caregiver.  She had money and her sister used well-honed manipulation to obtain the same flow of funds she’d wormed out of their parents.  Crisis after crisis loomed. Marilyn helped her out initially in hopes that she could provide some guidance and funds for her niece and nephew, then minors.  But now, as the years have gone by, the sister still hasn’t taken responsibility, the kids have grown up, but everyone looks to Marilyn to solve their problems.  The crises keep coming.

Breaking family habits of financial dependence and co-dependence is difficult.  It is complicated because money often represents much more than just financial currency – it is a symbol of love, guilt, caretaking, security, guilt, anger, resentment, and a myriad of other emotions.  It can stand for a parent’s failings or a lack of attention or too much attention. It’s hard to say no to requests for help because deep down, helping may make you feel needed.  Helping out may give you the illusion or hope that you can control or change the other person.  Helping may be easier than listening to the other person whine or sort through problems. Helping out may be what you were taught family “just does.”  After all, we’re often told “If your family won’t help, who will?”

In some cases, like Marilyn’s, cutting the other person off cold turkey may be the right financial answer but the wrong emotional answer.  Changing patterns can take time.  Sometimes taking baby steps can be the easiest way to begin fostering change. 

I asked Marilyn if she could control the situation, what would she be willing to give her sister?  Could she give her only $1000 a month and stick to it (the amounts in reality were much larger on average)?  Could she cut her sister off cold turkey?  What would it feel like if she could define, or redefine the relationship?  How could she make it less complicated?  Could she see that by helping her sister at this rate would leave her in a financial bind?  What good could Marilyn be to anyone – the sister, niece or nephew – if she was broke? 

There are no easy answers.  Dealing with loved ones who need or want financial help can be complicated.  You may have to be willing to let the other person struggle, which can be painful and confusing.  But over time and with determination, patterns can be broken and new, healthier relationships can be forged.

Suzanna de Baca is president of Private Capital Solutions Group. Securities offered through Broker Dealer Financial Services Corp. Member FINRA & SIPC. Investment Advisor Representative of Investment Advisors Corp., A Registered Investment Advisor.  Material discussed is meant for general illustration and/or informational purposes only and it is not to be construed as tax, legal or investment advice. Although the information has been gathered from sources believed reliable, please note that individual situations can vary, therefore the information should be relied upon when coordinated with individual professional advice.