Cutting the Money Cord to Your Adult Kids

Suzanna De Baca -- Expert Business Source, 1/7/2008 7:40:00 AM

Recently I discovered a book with a brilliant title: “Stop Treating Me Like A Child (But First Can You Lend Me Some Money?).”  In this book, the authors, Phyllis Leiber, Gloria S. Murphy, and Annette Merker Schwartz, discuss the complicated nature of relationships between adult children and their parents – especially when it comes to dealing with finances.

If you are the parent of an adult child who habitually borrows money, relies on you for financial support, or still lives at home, you know firsthand how confusing and thorny the emotions surrounding these interactions can be.  You want to support and care for your child, but deep down, you know that they should be self-sufficient; after all, they’re grown up now. 

There is a difference between occasional financial assistance and persistent dependence.  Your kids may have valid reasons for being broke or for needing your help.  Perhaps your child has been ill or is getting back on track after a divorce; maybe he or she is pursuing education, struggling to support kids, or has been laid off.  Most of us go through periods of financial difficulty and knowing that our parents are there to lend a helping hand can be a great gift.  If the problem becomes chronic, however, you have a bigger challenge.

Concern, fear, dependency, and guilt are all emotions that keep us bound in financial relationships, even with our adult children.  You want your kids to stand on their own two feet, but perhaps you question yourself.  Is it your fault that they aren’t financially independent?  Is it something you did or didn’t do that is preventing them from managing their finances?  Similarly, your desire to protect your kids may be keeping you from cutting off the flow of money to them.  What if they can’t do it on their own?   You may doubt that they are strong enough and can’t stand to see them struggle or fail.  Worse yet, what if your kids do become independent and don’t need you any more? 

Whatever the reason, Leiber, Murphy and Merker Schwartz assert that confronting the issue of financial dependence in an honest and straightforward manner is key, as is striving to develop a new kind of relationship with your child.

“As parents of adult children we share a similar goal: to create a loving, caring relationship with our adult children without dependence or domination,” say the authors. Letting go of your adult child is difficult, but crucial if they are to find their own way in the world, financially or otherwise.

How can you begin to let go?  If you’ve been financially supporting your adult child and he or she has grown accustomed to that assistance, severing the cord suddenly may be unproductive and emotionally damaging for both of you.  Developing a realistic strategy for helping your child become self-sufficient may require time, patience and honest communication.  Here are some strategies that may be useful as you work on changing your financial relationship with your adult children:

Tell them how you feel.  Being honest about your feelings can be difficult, especially if you are harboring resentment, anger, or frustration.  But expressing yourself directly, in a respectful way, is an important step.  Framing the issue as your own instead of blaming or accusing can be a productive way to start the conversation.  For example, instead of making statements like “You are irresponsible” or “You need to get a job,” you could say, “I feel frustrated that you keep asking me for money when I know you’re capable of earning it on your own,” or “I feel angry that the free rent situation has gone on for so long and you don’t seem to be making efforts to find a place.”

Let them know that you respect them as adults and plan to start treating them as such.  If you treat your children like children, they are more likely to remain in that role.  By continuing to support your children financially, you may be unintentionally sending them a message that you don’t believe they are capable of caring for themselves.  Let your children know that you consider them adults and expect them to take on the adult responsibility of managing their financial life. 

Create a realistic time line and stick to it.  After you’ve let your child know that you would like changes to take place, consider making a schedule.  Depending on your child’s situation, withdrawing your financial support may take a month or it may take a year.  Whatever the issues, decide what is realistic, let your child know, and then resolve to keep to that schedule.  If your child knows that you will never kick them out of the house or that you will never stop forking over twenty dollar bills, they will be less likely to initiate change; if you are serious and firm, that change can happen. 

Create boundaries.  Watching your children struggle is painful.  Remind yourself that you already have the skills you need to be a good parent to your adult child; you spent years teaching your children basic skills and backing off when it was required and you can do the same now.  It would not have occurred to you to encourage your child to continue crawling when you knew he or she needed to start walking.  You knew that in the process of learning to walk, he or she would fall down and cry, but you helped until your child was strong enough and then let go.  You may have cried a bit when you watched the falls, but eventually you got over that.  While that analogy is simplistic, it is also applicable.  Your child needs to become financially independent;  let them go through the effort and keep your emotions separate.

Realize there are other ways for you to be valued by your children than serving as the bank.  Leiber, Murphy and Merker-Schwartz suggest that sometimes parents need to change their own view of themselves.  If you’ve spent your life parenting, the process may have co-opted your larger identity.  Parents inadvertently wonder, “What will happen if my child doesn’t need me anymore?”  Your children can love you and need your affection without needing your money.  It can be a valuable exercise to stop seeing yourself as your children’s caretaker.  You have many talents and contributions to make to the greater world, and to your children.  Being a generous, caring parent can happen;  it just doesn’t have to happen financially.  

Suzanna de Baca is President of Private Capital Solutions Group.  She is a Registered Representative and Financial Advisor of Park Avenue Securities LLC (PAS), 7 Hanover Square, New York, NY 10004, (888) 600-4667.  Securities products/services and advisory services are offered through PAS, a registered broker/dealer and investment advisor. Private Capital Solutions Group is not an affiliate or subsidiary of PAS.
PAS is a member FINRA, SIPC.
Material discussed is meant for general illustration and/or informational purposes only and it is not to be construed as tax, legal or investment advice. Although the information has been gathered from sources believed reliable, please note that individual situations can vary, therefore the information should be relied upon when coordinated with individual professional advice.